Smile When It Hurts
Alot has happened this year...But the one thing thats closest to my heart and weighs on me constatanly has to do with a girl, with whom we shall call Jane, Jane Doe! Jane caught my eye some time ago...like in 2008! Although she intrigued me we were always at different paths in life, dating other people and so we just left it at nothing. Strictly aqaintances...I will see you when I see you kinda thing. Not until this year, February to be exact we slowly became more than aqaintances...and when I say slowly...i mean S-L-O-W-L-Y! Jane is like a butterfly, she hides in her cacoon until she feels like taking flight. This is one of the many reasons Jane intrigues me. Our relationship has had more up and downs than a rollercoaster...we have fallen so far off track outsiders must see us as a train that has derailed. We had our hard times, they were over, and we were moving in the right direction. Until last week, I am so honest, always looking into the future of the things that at that current moment could potentially be a reality, and speak on them and it KICKS ME IN THE ASS. Needless to say Jane broke up with me...it hurt so good. I say so good because for along time I really didnt have feeling for many people other than my family and John Doe...and when she broke up with me it definately made me do a reality check. Um....I thought to myself...no one has really ever broken up with me before, FUCK, this sucks! And because I shed tears when it comes to her I know without a doubt I love her so much, like more than I have ever loved most people. I wonder every day, why? Why in the hell has she consumed me? Its not like shes a porn star and fucks me upside down or anything. The conclusion I have come to is that I am in love with her mind; her body, nice breasts, sexy ass, cute feet and her bomb ass style are all just added bonuses. OK. Now to the point----------------> Last night I did one of the hardest things I ever had to do...I turned down sex from two females with whom are very into me. TURNING DOWN THE SEX WAS NOT THE HARD PART. It was the part that came next...I actually told both of them WHY I cant and why I am not interested. To number one, I told her that my heart was taken; yes I was single but not available. To number two, I told her that I am unable to because I am in love with someone else. If you know me saying I am in love, IS NOT NORMAL!! But if I am not in love then why would I care so much? Why would I subject myself to all of this pain? Now the other hard part is that I have told these two women what I did, knowing the person I love so much HATES me, like despises me and wants nothing to do with me...ummm...so in reality it really didnt matter if I had sex with them because Jane could care less about me. All I can say to myself is that I did the right thing, a hard thing because I actually told people my true feelings, and those feelings will probably never be reciprocated from Jane again, but I did what I should have
Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.
We need not destroy the past. It is gone. ~John Cage
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