I've created a MONSTER!

Is a lovely lady a “scorned” woman if she, and this is TOTALLY HYPOTHETICAL, if she, say, counters a man’s restraining order against her with her own restraining order against him, so that when she sneaks into his house at night to take pictures next to him sleeping or to go through his garbage, it will seem like he kidnapped her to get me, I mean her, there when he calls the police? I mean, again, totally hypothetical.

Or is she a scorned woman if, oh, I don’t know, if she continues to see a man after he tries to kill her for her family’s tobacco-less cigarette empire inheritance, and still after he cheats on her with her sister, and her maid, and her step brother, and still after he steals her dog and sells it into sexual slavery for drug money, and still after he uploads a sex tape of them onto the internet and then blackmails her for it, for drug money, and still after she has to pawn her grandmother’s Faberge egg collection to bail him out of jail for tax evasion? And then he still leaves her to join the circus and eventually cure cervical cancer? Still?

She must be a scorned woman then, right? WRONG!

The answer, is no. What really makes a scorned woman is if she finally chooses to complain about the scorn. If she, say, tweets or constantly updates her Facebook status about the scorn. If she maybe hires an airplane to fly over a particular scorner’s workplace with an embarrassing and/or hateful banner about the scorn. If she maybe takes out a full page ad in a newspaper to showcase an open letter about the scorn. Or if she, perhaps, creates and posts to a blog solely dedicated to the lament of scorn. Um. Moving on.

If she bakes dozens of cupcakes and decorates them with letters spelling out a death threat to the scorner, that is NOT considered a scorned woman. BUT if she throws them at the scorner’s home, sends them to the scorner, or kidnaps the scorner and feeds it to him well then, YES, that is a scorned woman. God help her.